Once in a while, one day comes that I write so much about him cause I want to get it all out. I normally stay quite about my thoughts, so I put them down somewhere like this diary in hope of feeling lighter afterwards. I don’t want to tell people about him, about me being obsessed with a guy cause in the end, it’s annoying.
Its a shame, He was my type but I wasn’t his type.
He was skinny and cute. Had the drunk and drowsy eyes. Ones you might get lost into.
His voice was something you could listen to for hours, with undiluted concentration, yet still not get enough of it. And his sleepy voice was on a whole another level. If He was sleepy and his voice was low due to drowsiness or sadness, His voice or speech became even more attractive.
And when He talked about music and all the beat making stuff, passionately, I used to fall in love with him all over again. He didn’t talk much(at least compared to me it was less) which made him pretty cute, and so his words, each of them carried a heavier weight. He had the right ones, at the right moment.
And whenever He was in a light mood, He used to have this low toned laugh, not too loud or way too low, just a fluctuation of breaths, yet it was quite cool.
Even though He seemed like quite a dull and depressed dude, He was exciting company, someone who taught you something new quite often. someone who just wanted to spread good vibes, who was quirky with a weird sense of humor, one that’s funny and gross at the same time.
He had a f^cked up past, not really a typical Asian household, a playboy past, I should add. But that made him even more attractive and respect-worthy in my eyes, because yeah, He managed to change that courageously. so yeah He was pretty cool.
So He was like those gross senpais, one who are spoilt and have all these bad habits and do weird sh^t for weirdly weird reasons, like smoke or watch porn or masturbate or do weird shit online. But I don’t recall saying I had a kink for good guys.
Despite being an a^^hole and an atheist, He was kind(in his own way). He tried to do the right things where it really mattered. He tried at least. which made him cute, and that was another reason He was attractive to him.
He felt things deeply. And He, despite being damned to hell as an atheist, He was quite chill and cool about stuff.
He was a pervert. Maybe all guys are, but He never meant any harm. He never showed that side to anyone unless He was certain the other person was fine with it. And I think that’s beautiful, because its one of the minutest ways in which you care for another person.
He wasn’t pushy about anything(just natural), whether it was him wanting to talk on call, or him wanting attention, or him needing company out of loneliness, which made him cool naturally.
He only said things once, all the more reason his words carried a heavier weight.
He was versatile and independent. He spent his time alone in his room, or so He claimed to. He said he enjoyed solitude, but that’s just him lying to get used to the loneliness which he never accepted, and some part of him always craved attention.
He was sucked more into social media than real life, and mostly had a f^cked up routine. He didn’t keep track of time, or even bother doing it. He just lived naturally, unplanned, unprecedented. Which made him somewhat of a cute, carefree person.
He said He was a free person, a free soul, but just like everyone, some part of him had become a slave of the system. Dull and f^cked up He seemed, but he was eccentric in his own way.
He was an atheist, but He had his values. He wasn’t completely free, He was free within those values. He was definitely romantic, but only till you didn’t get on his bad side.
I was of course attracted to him because He was my opposite, yet somehow similar to me. I love him in all ways. Sexually, yeah maybe I prefer him, but I don’t care much for the physical stuff. Ninety percent is, I crave his beautiful soul.
Maybe He hated me because I was so different than him, because I contradicted him. In the end, there’s no definite answer.
Sigh I wrote down all the good stuff I can think of him. There’s more, but only this much I’ve managed to put into words, because in the end, eventually the amazing-ness of that person is beyond words. I mean you can’t describe someone fully in words because it would never be enough. And I can’t imagine fulfilling that task.
This is just so I have a record and memory of that person I love who ain’t a part of my life anymore…
Dedicated to: Stupid Senpai
//From: the Archive
I was totally love struck, there is no question in that. I loved that atheist quite deeply, it wasn’t in the moment type of love though, He seemed really attractive to me, and I seemed to never fall out of love, it seemed like I had infinite love for him.
She say, “Do you love me?” I tell her, “Only partly”
I only love my bed and my momma, I’m sorry -Drake
Regardless of your feelings for someone, there are some points in your life, where you have to take some decisions. Some important decisions. and while making those decisions you have to be completely honest with yourself. You have to consider things the way they, are instead of being biased.
You have to analyse and realize what’s best for you in the most realistic perspective. And it may seem wrong, but you always know that it has to be done. Sometimes that decision is the decision of moving on…
Moving on doesn’t mean you give up. It means you muster up the courage of getting rid of someone toxic from your life. You become brave enough to do what has to be done. because know that whatever happens, however much you love that person, You can never compromise on your self-esteem or your worth. Don’t fall too low for some people in the name of love.
To all these people out there struggling with relationships, sit down and analyse the facts the way they are, and do what needs to be done. don’t struggle, know what you’re doing and do it right.
gomenasai = Sorry